[FIC] Carry Your Shame 23/25
Beta: Laura aka- gottriplets <3
Warnings: First time sex, blow jobs, exhibitionism, sexting, gay sex all around- the usual :)
Summary: Kurt’s spent his entire life being pushed around and ignored. He’s never had a single friend until he met Blaine Anderson, a swimmer for the National Team and McKinley’s Golden Boy. When the boys fall for each other, Kurt has to learn the hard way that there are some things even love can’t fix—like the fact that his step-brother and boyfriend are mortal enemies. Will Blaine be willing to give up everything to be with Kurt or will they crumble under the pressure to become what everyone else is trying to turn them into?
This was written for this GKM prompt, so go check it out and possibly leave me some love <3
Part 1//Part 2//Part 3//(Blaine interlude)//Part 4//Part 5//Part 6//Part 7//Part 8//Part 9//(Blaine Interlude 2)//Chapter 10//Chapter 11//Part 12//Part 13//(Blaine Interlude 3)//Part 14//Part 15//Part 16//Part 17//(Blaine Interlude 4)//Part 18//Part 19//Part 20//Part 21//(Blaine Interlude 5)//Part 22
*Side note- anyone looking to track this, it will always be tagged as “Fic: Carry Your Shame”
Despite having their groundings lifted, Kurt and Blaine barely found time to be with each other throughout the week as Blaine was forced to return to school and had increased training sessions. He’d left for the international meet in Ann Arbor yesterday morning. Apart from late night phone calls and text messages back and forth, the last Kurt had really talked to Blaine was Sunday when his father had given Blaine the same ‘you matter’ speech that he’d given Kurt several months ago.
While Blaine had left his house that night blushing and fumbling over words due to embarrassment, Kurt could tell that Blaine had appreciated his father’s words. He could tell that Blaine had taken them to heart. In fact, the few times Kurt had tried complaining about how his dad was hiring a private tutor for him, Blaine had taken his dad’s side, always reminding Kurt that his dad just wanted the best for him.
It would have been annoying if it wasn’t so sweet. Mr. Anderson, for his part, had at least attempted a similar sex talk of his own, though according to Blaine, it was painfully awkward for both of them involved. Anderson men clearly weren’t built to share their feelings, Blaine had informed him. Kurt could have argued that he thought Blaine did better at it than he thought but he left it for another conversation. At some point they would get around to confessing that they both wanted to be boyfriends again, but that time hadn’t quite come yet. Maybe next week, once the stress of the upcoming competition was behind Blaine.
“This sucks,” Blaine said the second that Kurt picked up the phone Friday around lunchtime. He hadn’t even finished saying hello.
“What happened?” Kurt asked, sitting down at the kitchen table and settling in for what he assumed would be a long discussion. They’d shared several texts since Blaine had left yesterday and Kurt knew he wasn’t having the best time in Michigan, but he sounded more distraught than Kurt had expected.
“Nobody will talk to me — and I mean nobody. People passing me in the hotel give me dirty looks. My friends from other teams won’t even look at me. It’s like I’ve got the plague. My teammates are being extra smug like they’ve been waiting for this day to come. I don’t want to be here—” Blaine ranted so fast that Kurt was having a hard time catching everything he was saying.
There was a knock at his door and Kurt moved to answer it while Blaine continued to complain to him. He was surprised to see Puck standing on his front porch with his hands shoved into his pockets as he kicked at invisible rocks on the ground. Puck and Kurt weren’t friends and Puck and Finn were complete enemies so Kurt wasn’t quite sure what he was doing here. All he knew was that Puck was Blaine’s best friend, so he waved him in with a curious look on his face and a finger to his mouth telling him to stay quiet so he could hear Blaine as he continued to rant on the other side of the phone.
“I don’t know how I’m supposed to swim like this. I barely made it past the first heat. My times are horrible,” Blaine grumbled, finally pausing long enough for Kurt to respond.
“Where are you now?” he asked as he walked Puck into the kitchen.
“I’m in an empty hallway with my headphones in, trying to ignore everyone,” Blaine answered with a tired sigh.
“Alright Blaine, listen to me, okay?” he said and waited for Blaine to hum his response before continuing. “You’re the best swimmer there and everyone knows it. They are scared that you’re going to win and they should be. You can. They’re trying to get in your head and it’s working, but they are doing you a favor. Not talking to people means no distractions. While they are busy worrying about you, you can put all of your attention on the meet. You can win.”
“You’re right,” Blaine said after a few seconds.
“I know,” he said with a fond smile. “But even if you don’t win, it doesn’t matter. I still love you anyway.”
He heard Blaine gasp on the other end of the line and he held his breath at the confession, realizing a second too late what he had said. They’d confessed their feelings to each other before, sure, but they’d always been one sided confessions. When Kurt had said ‘I love you’ during their first time together, Blaine had only responded with a painful ‘you shouldn’t’. Then Blaine had confessed his feelings to Kurt repeatedly but Kurt had been with Evan and was unable to say anything back.
In fact, the only time they’d ever both confessed their love had been the night of the Gaga concert when they’d been too enthralled in their passionate activities to be exchanging anything more than rushed and breathless confessions that were possibly forgotten the moment they came together.
Still, all of that had been before the tape had come out. It seemed like a lifetime ago rather than a little over a week ago. Though Blaine had said the words openly to his father and Kurt had admitted to still loving Blaine when Evan had shown up on the Anderson’s doorstep, they hadn’t said the words directly to each other.
Kurt wasn’t sure how they were going to go over. He had a sudden flashback to the first night they’d gone all the way, when he’d told Blaine he loved him and Blaine hadn’t said anything back. He’d been able to push past it then; he didn’t think he could do the same now.
What if it was too much, too soon? What if Kurt had just ruined things between them? What if Blaine didn’t say it back?
“I love you, too,” Blaine said after a moment’s pause, sounding choked up. It made Kurt smile finally hearing the words said back to him without the aid of sex to loosen Blaine’s tongue. It felt more real now — completely tangible.
Kurt cursed the fact that Puck was sitting at his kitchen table eyeing him, because he felt like dancing around in victory. They were only four small words, but they felt so much bigger than that.
“And you’re right,” Blaine continued, clearing his throat until they were both brought out of their daydreaming. “I’m gonna block them all out and swim my ass off so that I win and they can see how wrong they are about me.”
“Good,” he agreed. “Because they are.”
“I’ve gotta get going. I need to eat something before my next heat,” Blaine explained.
“Of course,” he said. “Call me when you get the results. I’ve been on the website all morning trying to find something out but they aren’t updating it fast enough. I want to know how you’re doing.”
“Yeah, of course,” Blaine said, sounding happy that Kurt cared enough to want to know. “I’ll text you the results and try and call you after dinner.”
After they said some quick goodbyes — ‘I love you’s on the tips of their tongues but still not sure if they were at a stage yet were they could just casually end conversations with it — Kurt hung up. He took a minute to compose himself and contain his thousand watt smile before turning around to face Puck.
“Shouldn’t you be in school? What are you doing here?” he asked suspiciously, like Puck was going to harass him.
“We’ve gotta help my boy Blaine,” Puck said as if that should have been obvious.
Kurt raised his eyebrow at him, questioningly. First of all, Kurt had been helping Blaine. He’d been answering his worried texts and phone calls whenever he wasn’t actually with Blaine. It wasn’t perfect, but Kurt was certainly trying and it seemed to be helping a bit. Second of all, since when was Kurt involved in anything Puck was doing?
“Okay,” Kurt drawled when it became clear Puck wasn’t going to explain himself further. “I’m not quite sure where we come into this.” He pointed between the two of them to make it clear that he had no problems helping Blaine but he wasn’t sure why they had to work together.
“Blaine’s my bro,” Puck explained, wringing his hands as if the conversation was making him just as uncomfortable as Kurt. “He’s always looked out for me and had my back. He’s stopped me from getting thrown in juvie a bunch of times and he needs me now. I’ve gotta do something to help him.”
“Okay,” Kurt said when it was clear Puck wasn’t going to elaborate anymore. He wasn’t sure what he had to do with any of this.
“I just… Usually when I want to cheer Blaine up, we go to a party or hit up some gay clubs. I do the whole supportive friend thing and watch his back to make sure he doesn’t do anything too stupid,” Puck trailed off, begging Kurt to fill in the blanks for him so that he wouldn’t have to keep talking.
“But Blaine just had a sex tape come out so going out and getting laid isn’t exactly the therapy he needs right now,” Kurt finished for him, taking pity on the boy who looked so incredibly uncomfortable here in his house.
“He hasn’t really been into that whole scene since you came around,” Puck said with a shrug and where Kurt would have usually taken that as an accusation, it felt softer, more understanding this time. Puck sounded like he was vaguely happy for them which was strange. Puck had always looked at him like he had the plague. As if he was single handedly going to be responsible for Blaine’s demise.
“He tried it once, the night you guys broke up or whatever happened,” Puck continued. “He freaked out before anything could really go down. Or anyone,” he said with a chuckle and a nod, waiting for Kurt to acknowledge his bad pun. Kurt just stared at him icily.
He took a second to think back to the hurtful voicemail that he’d received right after the break up. The one where some smarmy asshole had said, so condescendingly, that he was going to blow Blaine. Enough time had passed that the hurt wasn’t so stabbing, but he still felt the dullest of ache’s in his chest at the whole thing. He wondered how different things might have been if Blaine hadn’t gone to that club that night. If he’d just picked up the phone and expressed his fear and regret to Kurt himself. They could have saved themselves so much drama. He wanted to dwell on that thought. He wanted to blame Puck for encouraging Blaine’s tendency of burying issues with alcohol and sex, but it wouldn’t get them anywhere.
“I don’t think I can get him drunk to blow off some steam this time,” Puck said. “Not to mention, I’m pretty sure Lauren would put me in a full body cast if I went to a club, even if it was one filled with enough rainbows and glitter to bury a dead body in.”
Puck was Blaine’s friend. He wanted to help and he had tried to in the only way he knew how. Kurt knew that Puck was one of Blaine’s first and closest friends and, he had to admit, maybe them finally working together would be more helpful to Blaine than them working against one another.
“I’m not entirely sure where to even start fixing this most days,” Kurt said, putting his faith in the fact that Blaine trusted Puck. If Blaine trusted Puck, then Kurt could.
“Blaine said your ass-hat of a boyfriend was the one to put the tape out,” Puck said with only a hint of accusation in his eyes that Kurt probably deserved.
“Ex-boyfriend,” he said with a blush, embarrassed now that he’d ever fallen for Evan’s charms now that he understood how fake they all really were.
“I’d say congrats, but the fact that you stayed with him after he started bullying Blaine is disgusting, dude,” Puck said.
“Please don’t call me dude,” he said automatically. “I’m not your dude.”
“No, but you’re Blaine’s main squeeze or whatever you two are now, so that makes us bros-in-law or something. Do you have anything to eat?” Puck asked.
“Oh my God, you’re just like Finn,” he said with a roll of his eyes, missing Puck’s look of hurt. “Most people wouldn’t show up at somebody’s house that they barely know, ask for help and then demand food.”
“So that’s a no?” Puck asked with a confused look on his face.
“We’ve got some pop-tarts or I can probably make you some grilled cheese,” he gave in with a sigh.
“Cool,” Puck said, leaning back in the chair looking like he owned the place. “I’ll take both.”
Kurt rolled his eyes, but got to work pulling out a pan to make them some grilled cheese sandwiches.
“If we’re being honest, can I ask you some questions?” Kurt asked tentatively, while his attention was carefully placed on the bread he was frying.
“I’m not going to give Lauren an STD,” Puck answered sounding bored. “I know you two are friends or whatever so you’ve probably heard the rumor and are worried. I’m clean. I got tested a few weeks ago.”
“I wasn’t — well that’s good to hear, I guess,” Kurt sputtered, his face turning red. He hadn’t even talked to Lauren about having sex with Puck. She had always made it seem like she was dragging him along without any reward on his part, but then again, he had caught them making out pretty intensely at the New Year’s Eve party so he guessed he shouldn’t be that surprised.
“I was going to ask you something about Blaine,” Kurt said once he recovered.
“Oh, well I don’t know what he wants me telling you or whatever, but I guess… sure,” Puck said.
“What exactly did Evan do to Blaine?” he asked, feeling awkward for having to ask Puck this instead of Blaine but every time he tried to bring it up, he just felt like it would only remind Blaine of everything that happened when he was working so hard to get over it.
“Little B didn’t tell you?” Puck asked, amused. “I kept telling him that if he really wanted to get back in your pants he should tell you about the texts. He could play the sad victim and you’d have to come in and be his knight in shining armor. That’s how all those lame rom-coms you gays watch go, isn’t it?”
“You realize about 80% of what you says is insulting, right?” he said.
“So Blaine keeps telling me,” Puck said with a carefree shrug. “You really had no idea that your boy toy Evan was such a punk?”
“Until this last weekend? None,” he confessed, feeling ashamed of himself every time to realized how stupid he’d been to trust Evan.
“Well he’s gonna get thrown in the slammer if he doesn’t lawyer up,” Puck said. “I’d love to see how the little bitch-ass deals with prison. He thinks he’s tough, but those guys would make him their slave in under a minute.”
“He’s not going to jail,” he said. “His family is well off, they’ll pay for a good lawyer. But he’s gonna have to be put on the sexual offenders list and will probably lose his acceptance at college, so that will be punishment enough. About Blaine…”
“It started that night of the State Championships, when you all had that weird threesome,” Puck said.
“It wasn’t a threesome,” Kurt groaned. “It was dinner and I was trying to be his friend.”
“You two can’t be friends,” he said with a snort. “I’ve seen that sex tape of when you two were just friends.”
“You watched the tape?” Kurt said, blushing as he realized Puck had seen him that way.
“Aw, don’t be so embarrassed, Hummel,” he said. “It wasn’t that bad. Pretty vanilla actually.”
“If getting filmed having sex at school is your idea of vanilla, I’m not sure I want any details of you and Lauren’s sex life,” Kurt said.
“You sure you don’t want any tips on keeping Blainers satisfied?” Puck asked, clearly teasing him. “I could round up some sources for you. I’ve seen him with a fair share of boys.”
“I’m fine, thanks,” he said, managing to contain the flush of his cheeks, wondering if it was possible for them to permanently redden. He was starting to realize that he would have to get used to such candid talk if he was going to continue talking to Puck. “Can we get back to Evan?”
Puck smirked at him knowingly, like it had been a game all along to see how often he could embarrass Kurt, but eventually dropped it and started to explain.
“It was mostly text messages,” he said. “Blaine kept saying they weren’t a big deal, and they probably wouldn’t have been if they weren’t sent to somebody as sensitive as Blaine. He wouldn’t show them to me, but I started breaking into his locker and stealing his phone to keep an eye on it.”
“You went through his phone without his permission?” he asked, feeling scandalized on Blaine’s behalf.
“He’s done worse to keep me out of trouble. He’s my brother, I’ve gotta watch his back. He’s too self-sacrificing for his own good.”
“What did Evan say?” Kurt asked tentatively, feeling even worse about prying information out of Puck now that he knew Blaine hadn’t even wanted Puck to know.
“Just stupid, novice stuff at first. I wasn’t overly impressed with his game. If he was my bro I would have given him some better tips. He would say stuff like ‘Kurt’s mine,’ ‘He’s wearing those tight pants on our date, I think it’s clear I’m the one he wants touching him’ or ‘We just made out in the library until Kurt almost came in his pants,’” Puck said doing a horrible impression of Evan.
“You know,” Puck continued in his normal voice, thankfully. “Stupid shit to make Blaine jealous. But when Blaine didn’t respond to any of them, it started getting real. He found out about the punks at Blaine’s old school and why he transferred to McKinley. He started telling Blaine he was going to give the kids that beat him up Blaine’s address if he didn’t stop talking to you.”
“What?” Kurt said, outraged.
The kids at Blaine’s school had beaten him until he was hospitalized for weeks. Blaine had barely said much on the matter, but Kurt had seen the news reports back when it happened. He remembered reading details about the nameless boy who was in critical condition. Would Evan have really put Blaine’s life at risk over some stupid love triangle?
“Blaine basically told him that you guys were just friends and asked him to please stop texting him,” Puck continued to explain. “I told him he should fight fire with fire, but he refused. He just said that Evan would stop eventually and told me it wasn’t a big deal. I believed him. I mean, the kid seemed all talk and no game. You know, until he grew a pair and actually released that sex tape.”
“Why didn’t Blaine tell me?” Kurt asked, more himself than Puck.
“I don’t know. I told him it was a sure way to get you back, but I guess he probably thought you wouldn’t believe him,” he said.
“Was that all he did?” Kurt asked, nervous about the answer.
“No, he started sending Blaine hundreds of hateful messages through Facebook and Twitter and all those websites. He posted messages calling Blaine a slut on all these swimming message boards. It was a pretty constant thing. Blaine said it was fine, but between that and the bullying at school, it got to him. He’s been pretty run down lately. The only thing I know that’s been helping him clear his head was focusing on preparing for Worlds. Swimming’s always helped him loosen up a bit, but now that fucker got him kicked off the National team.”
“He’s still allowed to swim though,” Kurt said, tentatively, knowing it wasn’t quite the same. He’d never understand Blaine and swimming as much as he would like to. He’d always assumed swimming was something Blaine had to do, not that he wanted or needed. He hadn’t realized how important it was until now.
“He’s not going to be alright until he gets back on that team,” Puck said. “I just wish I knew a way to convince the National team that he isn’t this horrible person they think he is.”
“Mr. Anderson said if he places this weekend they’ll let him back on the team,” he said.
“He’s lying to make Blaine feel better,” Puck said. “They aren’t going to risk their image on a boy who’s barely famous, no matter how fast he is.”
“So what would it take to get Blaine back on their team?” Kurt asked.
He hated that Puck knew more about how all of this worked than he did. He hated that he needed help in making things better for the boy he loved. He should be able to think of these things on his own. He should have known that no amount of ‘I love you’s from him were going to make things magically okay. They were helping, sure, but Puck was right. They needed to get Blaine his future back. They needed to fix this thing that Evan had broken.
“Honestly? I don’t know if it’s possible so long as all these mothers are on the message boards talking about what a bad role model he turned out to be,” Puck explained, helplessly. “Swimming is a self-funding sport. They money for pro-teams comes from all the novice clubs. There are a lot of politics that go into it that I’ve never cared for. It’s why I stick to high school swimming, though Blaine keeps begging me to join his club.”
“So if we could find a way to get those mothers who pay the bills to like Blaine again, they’d take him back,” Kurt said, the wheels in his mind already turning fast as he started thinking of a million ideas.
“Considering he’s well on his way to winning World’s if he can get his times back on track? They’d be stupid not to. He was their golden boy before this happened,” Puck explained.
“So we just have to convince a group of mothers, that Blaine — a boy who’s been bullied his entire life and managed to come out stronger than ever — is a guy they want their kids looking up to,” Kurt said with a smile, realizing that their task wasn’t as impossible as it had once seemed.
“What are you thinking?” Puck asked.
“I’m thinking that there are several news outlets who might be interested in running a story about a soon to be Olympic athlete who was bullied so severely in school that he got hospitalized then had a sex tape illegally filmed and distributed against his will only to lose his spot on the National Team yet still hasn’t given up on his dreams.”
“Okay, one, how would we even get anybody to pick up on this story. Two, would Blaine really want all of this out there in the world? He’s been pretty tight lipped about being gay-bashed,” Puck said, eyeing him cautiously.
It surprised Kurt that Puck was capable of being so realistic about this. That he even stopped to consider how Blaine might feel about them going behind his back and trying to control this, but then again, he figured it shouldn’t. This was probably the reason they were best friends. He knew Blaine put up with Puck’s offensive comments for a reason. Deep down, he really was a decent guy.
“He told me that he was upset that he lost the chance at being a role model, at making a difference for people. This story could make a difference. Do you know how many gay people out there are being bullied in schools? It would mean the world to them to see somebody like Blaine confessing his story to the world,” Kurt said.
“Yes, but there’s a difference between saying that in passing and being willing to stand on national television and tell his story to the world,” Puck said.
“You’re right,” he said. “But if Blaine agreed to it, do you think it would work? Could it get Blaine back on the National team?”
“Yeah, probably,” Puck admitted. “But you can’t do anything without his permission. He’d never forgive you.”
“I won’t,” he promised.
“If you ask him outright, he’ll say no,” Puck warned him. “He doesn’t want people fixing things for him. It makes him feel helpless.”
“I’ll figure something out,” he said.
“I’ve gotta go,” Puck said. “I need to get back to school before I miss another History test.”
“Okay,” he said, not really sure how he was supposed to end things with Puck. They weren’t friends, so a hug was out of the question. The awkward wave he was giving him seemed wrong too though.
Puck held his fist out and Kurt stared at it for a minute, wondering what he was doing. If he wanted to hit Kurt, he would have pulled back his hand and just done it, not held his fist out there. Did he expect Kurt to just walk into a punch? Accept it willingly? That seemed rather stupid.
“You pound it,” Puck said with an amused laugh, lifting his other hand to show how to properly ‘pound it’ out.
“You’re fist bumping me?” he laughed back, feeling dumb for not noticing what Puck was doing before. “Do I look like the fist bumping kind of guy?”
Regardless of his words, Kurt raised his one fist and met Puck’s with a roll of his eyes. If his sigh was more fond than annoyed, Kurt didn’t have to tell anybody.
“You’re alright, Hummel,” Puck said with a nod of approval.
“You, too,” he added, the kind words feeling strange on his lips when directed at Puck.
“Everything went much better this afternoon,” Blaine explained to him later that night as Kurt was settling into his nightly routine, preparing for bed.
“Great, I’m glad to hear that. What place did you get?” he asked, still unsure of all the correct terminology even after all the high school meets he’d sat through.
“Well, it was only preliminary heats today,” he explained. “They don’t decide places until finals.”
“I know,” Kurt said with a blush. “But you still know where you stand based off everyone’s times today, right?”
“I had the top three times in five of my events and advanced straight to finals for those. I’ve got to do a semi-final for my first two events since I messed up this morning,” he explained.
“Top three!” Kurt exclaimed. “That’s great! I told you that you could do it.”
“Yeah. I’m still not hitting any of my best times, so that’s disappointing. But it’s not over yet. There’s still a chance to hit that Olympic time and get my dad to bring you with me to Shanghai,” Blaine explained.
“You think he’s still going to let that happen? That’s cute,” he said, amused.
“He’s warming up to you,” Blaine said and Kurt could hear his smile through the phone. “Besides, I think I’m probably to blame for his bad first impression of you. I might have given my dad a reason to hate any boy he saw me with in the past,” he said sheepishly.
“Do I even want you to explain what you mean?” he asked.
It had always been in the back of his mind that Kurt wasn’t the first guy Blaine had brought home. Cooper and several other people had led him to believe he was just another one in a line of many, but that didn’t mean he liked to think too long about that fact.
“If we’re really going to start over, I should probably be honest with you,” Blaine said.
“Is that what you really want? For us to start over?” he asked, feeling incredibly hopeful.
“I mean, isn’t that what we’ve been doing?” Blaine asked, sounding self-conscious and completely adorable.
“Yeah, it doesn’t hurt to hear you say it though,” he said, kind of feeling giddy inside. He hadn’t thought they’d get to have this conversation for awhile, he hadn’t known if Blaine would be ready for it.
“Kurt Hummel, will you please ignore all the reasons why you should say no to me and be my boyfriend again?” Blaine asked. Kurt felt his heart swell at the word boyfriend.
He knew he hadn’t been single for long. He’d been Evan’s boyfriend for the last few months, but that had never quite filled him with the same sense of belonging as it had when Blaine said it to him.
“You have just as many reasons to say no to me, so I think we can wipe that slate clean. Of course I’ll be your boyfriend,” he said, wishing this conversation wasn’t being held over the phone so he could pull Blaine close and kiss him. Then again, maybe it was best they had some distance for this talk if history was anything to go by. They had a track record of being unable to understand the concept of the word slow — which is what they desperately needed to try and do this time around if they wanted this to work.
“Okay, just be patient with me. I don’t think I’m quite ready to be Ryan Gosling in The Notebook yet.” Kurt couldn’t see Blaine, but he had no doubt that Blaine was biting his lip and twiddling his thumbs like he did whenever he got nervous.
“We’ll have a Victorian romance,” he said, trying to keep things light so they didn’t have to fall into all the reasons why Blaine wasn’t ready for more. “The most I’ll allow you to do is scandalously hold my hand when the parents aren’t looking. We won’t do anything until we’re both ready to again, deal?”
“Sounds incredibly sexy. Are you going to dress up like Mr. Darcy?” Blaine teased him, giving Kurt a sigh of relief. It had been so long since things were light like this between them and his missed it.
“Technically speaking I’m pretty sure that’s pre-Victorian era but my history isn’t the best,” he said. “Why? Are you admitting to a Pride and Prejudice fantasy?”
“No,” Blaine said, the light tone in his voice dropping almost immediately and Kurt wanted to kick himself. “No fantasies. Not yet. Not if you want me to keep my control and not ravage you the second I see you.”
Oh, so maybe it wasn’t too much too fast… Maybe Blaine was slowly getting to the point where Kurt could stop worrying over every word he said. He could only hope.
“Okay. I’ll try to be less enticing,” he said with an easy smile as he began to start his nightly moisturizing routine.
He could hear the smile in Blaine’s voice and it made him proud to know that he’d helped put it there. It forced him to remember his conversation earlier with Puck. He needed to find a way to talk to Blaine about how open he’d be to sharing his story with the world. Kurt honestly believed it was the best chance Blaine had at getting his career completely back on track.
“And in return, I don’t know if I’ll be able to see you swim anytime soon. That suit you wear is dangerous,” he flirted, keeping things light while his mind ran rampant with different ways to get Blaine to agree to talking to the media without actually telling him that was what he was planning on doing.
“This might be harder than we think,” Blaine said.
“I want to ask you a question,” Kurt said after a lull in the conversation, knowing he needed to bring this up sooner rather than later.
“Should I be scared?” he asked, with a nervous chuckle.
“No, of course not,” Kurt said, rushing to reassure him. “I was just thinking about something you said the other day. About how you wanted to be a role model for the LGBT community.”
“I guess I never knew that,” Kurt said. “You never really mentioned it before. I didn’t even realize you were in a position to actually be one until two weeks ago.”
“Well, it doesn’t really matter anymore,” he said sounding disappointed. In that moment Kurt knew he was onto something.
“It’s just that you’ve always been so quiet about what happened to you before at your old school. I didn’t think you’d ever want to share that with somebody. You barely shared it with me,” Kurt said, trying to lightly push him towards the confession that would give him the go ahead to act on his plan to get Blaine back on the National team.
“It’s a hard thing to talk about,” he said quietly. “Why does it matter?”
“I guess I’m just curious. It made me think about what will happen to me if I actually pursue a career as an entertainer,” Kurt quickly said. It wasn’t a lie per se. He had been thinking more and more about his future and if he really wanted all the attention being a star would entail. He hadn’t liked the attention he’d been getting over the last two weeks and that would be mild compared to the attention most celebrities have nowadays.
“You’re the bravest person I’ve ever met. You’ll never have a problem telling your story,” Blaine said wistfully. “Besides. I imagine it’s probably easier to be brave when the reward is that you actually have the power to help other people.”
“Aren’t you in a position to help other people?” he asked.
“Not anymore,” Blaine said. “I’m not sure if I ever was.”
“If you had the opportunity, do you think you would? Would you tell everyone about what happened if it meant you could help stop it from happening to other people?” he asked.
“What are you trying to say?” Blaine asked suspiciously.
“Nothing, I’m just trying to get to know you better,” he said quickly. “The Blaine I met was too scared to confess his real feelings, but you’re brave now. You serenade boys at prep schools. You’re so much stronger, I can tell. I guess it was just a silly thought I had. Maybe one day when you go the Olympics and get famous, they’ll ask you a lot of questions. I just wonder if you feel like you’re brave enough to stop hiding. I want that for you. I’d never push you into it, but I do want that for you.”
“I think I want that for me, too,” Blaine said, and it was as much permission as Kurt was ever going to get to go ahead with his crazy idea without revealing too much to Blaine.
“You’re going to be so inspirational to so many people one day, don’t forget that,” he said.
“In the spirit of getting to know one another again… We should go back to the original conversation we were having,” Blaine said. “I feel like I should be honest with you about why my parents were less than welcoming to you.”
“You really don’t have to explain if you don’t want to,” he said, unsure if he even wanted Blaine to explain to him. “A few disapproving parents aren’t going to stop me from dating you.”
“I do,” Blaine said quickly. “I want to tell you. I just don’t want you to judge me too hard. I was a different person back then.”
“I know that,” he said.
“So you’ll listen?” Blaine asked.
“Don’t go making promises you aren’t prepared to keep,” Blaine said with a slight hitch to his breath.
“Who said I wasn’t prepared to keep them?”
Blaine didn’t respond for a minute, and when he did it was only to start his story. Kurt couldn’t blame him. They’d only just agreed to be boyfriends who would take things slowly. Talking about them being a forever kind of thing was getting way ahead of themselves.
“My dad isn’t the best at expressing his emotions properly and my mom can sometimes be rather silent when it comes to parenting,” Blaine explained carefully. “When I came out to them, they weren’t jumping for joy. They had a million questions, most of them of the ‘have you tried dating a girl’ variety and while I know now that they didn’t realize how hurtful those comments were, the thirteen year old version of me didn’t.”
“I’m sorry they weren’t more supportive of you,” he said.
“That’s just it though, they loved me. I didn’t think they did, but they do,” he rambled as Kurt had come to learn Blaine often did when trying to tell him something important.
He couldn’t always find the right words so he fumbled around nervously until they came to him. He knew it was a lack of confidence issue. A habit born out of the fear that if he took the time to stop talking and think about his next words, people would stop listening to him. He hoped it was something Blaine would grow out of in time as he became more self-assured about his emotions. If he never did though, Kurt knew he’d love him just the same as he’d always done. Besides, he was rather fond of the rambling.
“Once I got beat up and hospitalized, I begged to transfer schools but my dad said it would make me look weak,” he continued his story. “My mom goes along with whatever my dad says usually. She didn’t disagree with him. Ever since then, I’ve had it in my head that they would never accept my sexuality. I was punished at my old school for liking boys and I thought my dad was punishing me, too. I was so scared and angry. I just wanted to force them to accept me.”
“It’s not always something you have control over,” Kurt said.
“Try telling that to an insecure teenager,” he said with a shrug. “When I got to McKinley, it was the first time I really had friends that accepted me for who I was, even if I was still being somewhat dishonest about who I was. They took me out to parties and clubs and I started realizing that I didn’t just have to be gay in theory; I could actually act on being gay. There were countless guys who would let me kiss them and touch them. The attention was nice for a change. I didn’t realize until I met you that sex could be more than just sex. I didn’t realize that I was worthy of being loved and not just used… Your dad helped me see that I was just throwing myself around like I didn’t matter.”
“You matter, Blaine. You will always matter, despite what anybody else says,” Kurt said, praying that Blaine heard his words and took them to heart.
“Thank you,” he said, still uncomfortable taking compliments like that. “But back to my parents. I was acting out. I wanted to shove my sexuality in their faces. I wanted them to finally admit that they didn’t like the fact that I was gay. A part of me was hoping they’d finally understand it. That if they saw me with enough guys, they’d understand that I was never going to go out with a woman.”
“So you brought boys home to make your parents angry?” Kurt asked.
“It worked,” Blaine said. “They were always so disgusted every time they’d see me with another guy in bed, it made me more vindictive and I just kept going out to get more and more guys to bring home. I didn’t realize that it wasn’t the fact that I was sleeping with boys that made them upset. It was the fact that I was throwing myself around with very little self-respect.”
“Blaine, I’m the first person to tell you that sex can be pretty amazing… But you aren’t going to find love in it. Love comes from all the little things you share with a person. It’s the coffee dates. It’s holding hands while window shopping. It’s sharing headphones as you listen to a song you both like. Sex when you love somebody, is great. But sex alone doesn’t give you much of anything—”
“I know that now,” Blaine said. “I promise you, I do. That’s why I want us to take this slowly. I’ve never… I’ve never taken much of anything slowly with anyone and I want to make sure this is about more than just sex with us, because I know that what we have is love. I just… yeah. I thought you should know about my past. Full disclosure and everything. ”
“Well, thank you for being honest,” he said, unsure how else to react.
The mental image of Blaine sleeping with any guy in sight made him nervous. There was always the question of whether the boys Blaine took home had taken advantage of him, because Kurt had heard enough under the breath comments to know it was a very real possibility.
“Go easy on my parents though, would you?” Blaine said. “They mean well. They were really rude before, but they didn’t know that you weren’t just another guy to me that first night.”
“I wasn’t?” Kurt asked, thinking back to their first time fooling around together and how incredibly drunk they’d both been. He knew that Blaine had grown to care about him, but there had always been that lingering doubt that the first time they’d shared had been 100% alcohol induced only.
“You’ve never been just another guy to me,” he said. “I should have made that clear to them in the beginning and maybe they wouldn’t have been so rude to you, but I was being selfish. I still wanted to hurt them and I was too scared that you’d find out about the type of guy I really was and leave me. You’re so special and sweet and I don’t deserve you at all.”
“There is no deserving or not deserving,” Kurt said. “You have to get that out of your head — that with enough points one way I’ll go running out the door but enough points another way you can get me to stay. I love you, with all the great wonderful things mixed in with all the ugly horrible things. I love you and that’s not going to change.”
“Okay,” he said sounding like he might actually have heard Kurt. “So long as you know I never saw it as a game or a prize with you, I promise.”
“I know, I was just using it as an example,” Kurt reassured him.
“I’m not proud of the things I’ve done in the past or any of the horrible boys I’ve been with. I used to wear sex as a trophy and that’s wrong. It doesn’t make me any better than Evan, except for the fact that I’m pretty sure those guys were using me just as much as I was them so at least nobody got as hurt,” he said. “I promise you though that I’m not like that anymore and you’ve never been part of that game, no matter how poorly I showed that to you in the beginning.”
“Okay,” Kurt said, for lack of anything better to say.
“I’m rambling,” he said.
“It’s cute,” Kurt giggled.
“You could always stop me, you know,” he groaned.
“I guess all I was trying to say was that my dad means well. I know you don’t like him, but he loves me,” Blaine said. “I haven’t always given him a lot of reasons to trust me. He’s not perfect by any means and he has done a lot of stuff to make me doubt him, but he does love me. The idea of the two of us together is growing on him. The reason he didn’t like you before had nothing to do with you and everything to do with me and my past.”
“Blaine, I promise you, it’s fine,” Kurt said. “The only concern I ever had was that you didn’t feel enough love from him. I can see that he’s trying now and if you tell me that he loves you, I believe you. I promise. You don’t have to worry about my feelings.”
“You’re always so much stronger,” Blaine said.
“We’re both pretty strong.”
“So was my speech too much then?” Blaine asked.
“No… just more than I was expecting,” he said, honestly.
“No, don’t be sorry,” Kurt said. “I’m just not used to you being so open and honest with me.”
“Well, that’s what a good relationship is built on, right?” Blaine said, sounding happier than he had a few minutes ago, like a load had been lifted off of his shoulders.
Kurt wondered how long Blaine had been holding onto a lot of his anger at his parents. He wondered if Blaine had spent nights awake praying Kurt wouldn’t think that he was a slut for sleeping with so many boys. He wondered just how long Blaine had waited to talk to him about all of this.
“I’ve been talking to my parents about healthy ways to make a relationship work,” he continued. “I’m serious when I say that I want it to work this time. They told me that we should probably talk a lot more before we just act on things.”
“They’re probably right.” Kurt said. “My dad has said similar things to me. For the record though, I don’t regret anything that we did before.”
“Except the breakup,” Blaine said. “I would take that back in a heartbeat.”
“And probably the sex tape,” Kurt added.
“Yes. Definitely the sex tape,” he said with a humorless laugh.
“I should probably let you go so you can rest up for tomorrow,” Kurt said, as he pulled back the covers of his bed and climbed in.
“I’ve only got the two events tomorrow so my dad is taking my mom and me shopping then out to dinner,” Blaine said with obvious excitement. Kurt could remember back when he’d been scared he was losing his dad to Finn how excited he’d been the first time his dad had offered to take him to see a musical in Columbus. He understood how happy such a little thing could make somebody.
“That sounds like fun,” he smiled.
“I’ll call you afterwards,” Blaine promised.
“Take pictures!” he added.
“Of me or the clothing stores?” Blaine teased.
“Both? You. Maybe you in your swimsuit,” he said flirtatiously.
“That’s supposed to be off limits,” Blaine laughed easily.
“I have a feeling I’m going to be having to take care of myself for awhile if we’re going to do this slow,” Kurt confessed, knowing it might be too far but he figured if they were going to do the full honesty thing, they should probably not pretend that they hadn’t had a relationship filled with sex before. “You can help me out by giving me something to think about.”
“Only if you send me a picture of you in your white pants,” Blaine said.
“Goodnight, boyfriend,” Blaine said and Kurt just loved the way the word sounded in Blaine’s sleepy yet adorably loving voice.
“Good luck tomorrow, boyfriend,” Kurt said hanging up the phone and dreaming of future dates spent at the revival theatre, sharing ice cream, and all the other ridiculously cliché high school dates they’d never been allowed to have as more than just friends. No, if they were taking this slow, Kurt was going to make sure they still had the most romantic courtship in history. They both deserved it.
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