A 4x14 reaction fic in response to this GIF set and subsequent conversation. Unbeta’d for now.
After the vows had been shared, the cake had been cut, the traditional dances were over and several of the old New Direction members had taken their turn at hijacking the microphone from the hired band to serenade the newly married couple with some ridiculous songs — they all sat around a table exchanging drunken stories.
“I feel like somebody should remind them that they aren’t alone,” Mercedes said with a fond smile as she looked over to where Kurt and Blaine were currently dancing together. Blaine was talking into Kurt’s ear with his lips a little too close to be anything but sexual. Kurt had that look on his face that meant he was scanning the room for somewhere to drag Blaine off to.
“Mercedes Jones — the perpetual cockblock,” Puck said with a laugh.
“It’s not like I do it on purpose,” Mercedes retorted, starting a very familiar argument between the two of them. “If they wouldn’t screw like rabbits on any available surface, I wouldn’t constantly walk in on them.”
“I think it’s cute,” Tina said. “They’ve managed to make it work together for this long which is more than any of us can say.”
“Just let them be,” Rachel said. “They haven’t had more than two minutes alone together for over a week with all the wedding stuff. I thought Kurt was going to murder somebody.”
“I’m sure this wedding didn’t help much,” Sam added. “Every time I saw him try to pull Blaine away they were getting called back for pictures, the cake, the dance or some distant relative was pulling them into conversation. My boy Blaine has had that forced smile on his face for the last half-hour, so you know Kurt’s just been teasing the shit out of him. I give them twenty minutes before they say fuck it and just start going at it on the dance floor.”
“Well we all know how desperate they both get around anything remotely romantic and after the vows they wrote, I’m surprised they didn’t ditch the reception all together,” Mike said, with a not so subtle wink in Tina’s direction, who squirmed in her seat while everyone sent them knowing looks.
Tina was a romantic at heart and it was a well known fact she and Mike had hooked up at every wedding they’d attended despite their claims that things were definitely over for them. Tina lived in Los Angeles with Mercedes now and Mike was dancing professionally in Miami, it would never work out for them.
“Maybe they had sex in the car ride over,” Quinn said with a smirk. “It wouldn’t be the first time.”
“Please don’t remind me,” Finn said. “I’ve seen enough of Kurt and Blaine’s asses in my lifetime. I don’t need another visual.”
“We’ve all been there,” Sam said, raising his glass to toast the table who all laughed and raised their own.
“I don’t think any of you can talk,” Mercedes said. “I’m the one who caught Kurt giving Blaine a blow job behind the stage senior year. I couldn’t look either of them in the eye for weeks.”
“Are we arguing who’s caught them the most or who’s caught them in the kinkiest places?” Santana asked. “Because you might win on the quantity, but I’ve got you beat on quality. When we shared an apartment together I came home to Blaine naked and handcuffed to the bed with Kurt gone at work.”
“Well that would explain why Blaine looked so proud of himself when I found a bunch of bruises on his back,” Rachel said. “I thought he’d been beat up. I didn’t know they were into BSDM.”
“Please, you can totally see it on their faces most days,” Puck said with Quinn and Santana nodding along their agreement.
“Those two are kinky,” Artie said with a signature raising of his hand.
A few of the girls gasped in shock, but most of them just laughed. Ever since Kurt and Blaine had started having sex, the boys had gotten a lot more daring with their PDA. They went from barely holding hands in the choir room, to going at each other in the bathroom of their hotel room at Nationals with their friends on the other side. The more times they got caught, the more comfortable they seemed to get with their bodies and they stopped even trying to cover up how much they wanted each other after they got back together when Blaine moved to New York.
The tales of Kurt and Blaine’s sex life were legendary and at least once a month there would be an e-mail sent out to the group on the latest place they’d caught Kurt and Blaine having sex. More than once, Santana had suggested that they did it on purpose. She said that they probably liked getting caught.
“Alright, let’s hear it,” Tina said with a hungry smile. Even though her creepy crush on Blaine had faded, she was still always more than happy to hear about the boys sex life. “What’s the craziest place you’ve caught them getting down and dirty?”
“And that’s my cue to leave,” Finn said, standing up. “I’m not sitting around here while you guys discuss my brother’s sex life.” He grabbed his empty glass and headed towards the bar.
“I’m pretty sure I win this one,” Mercedes said with a smug smile. “At Mr. Schue’s wedding, I caught the two of them about to have sex in the parking lot of the church when we were already supposed to be inside. They walked into a church with boners and Blaine’s zipper still undone. Tell me that you all are with me on how trashy that is.”
“I’m 95% sure that they did it in the pool at Sugar’s graduation party,” Tina said. “I wasn’t going to get close enough to see, but those just aren’t movements most people make when they are ‘swimming’ as they claimed.”
“I found Blaine with his hands down his own pants, moaning Kurt’s name two days after Kurt flew in to watch his NYADA audition. Does that count?” Artie asked.
“Hardly,” Rachel said. “If we are counting masturbation, this is going to be a pretty long list. Kurt got loud when he played with his toys during their Skype dates.”
“Maybe you all didn’t hear me before,” Santana cut in. “Handcuffed naked. Kurt handcuffed the kid and then just left him there for hours. I mean just, wanky.”
“You guys have no idea,” Sam said. “Blaine’s best man you’re talking to right here. What story do you want to hear? Library? Camping? Football game? I’ve got them all.”
“I once caught Kurt trying to bend him over one of the benches in the locker room after Blaine had been in there boxing,” Mike said. “They tried to tell me that Blaine had pulled a muscle and Kurt was just giving him a massage.”
“God, do you remember when they used to try and lie about it,” Puck said with a laugh. “The list of excuses they’ve given me for why their shirt buttons weren’t lined up or their pants were unzipped is legendary.”
“I think they finally realized we didn’t believe a single one,” Rachel said. “Kurt told me that Blaine tried to get him off on a plane once.”
“Who hasn’t done it on a plane?” Tina asked with a shrug of her shoulders that caused Mike to blush and several others to stare at her in shock. “Oh, come on. I know at least half of you have joined the mile high club.”
“I’m not talking about having sex in the bathroom,” Rachel said whispering like she did whenever she had some really good gossip to share. “He said that Blaine tried to get him off under a blanket. They were still in their seats.”
“Well Blaine said Kurt demanded they have sex on the balcony when they went to Paris together, so he can’t exactly act like he has any shame,” Sam said.
“I think you’re all forgetting the time we had a post prom-party at my house and they both did the walk of shame the next morning. They broke my mom’s bed,” Quinn said. “They are lucky I know how to lie my way out of anything.”
“What are you drunkards up to?” Kurt asked as he and Blaine made their way over to the table. He was standing behind Blaine with his arms glued around his waist which made them waddle more than walk, but neither one was complaining.
“Just talking about the time you had sex after prom loud enough for everyone to hear you,” Quinn said with a smirk.
“You broke a bed,” Rachel said with a playful glare.
“Wasn’t the first time,” Blaine said with a proud smile as Kurt nuzzled into his neck. “Wasn’t the last.”
“That reminds me,” Kurt said, lifting his head up to look at Blaine, completely ignoring their friends. “We should probably go check the sturdiness of the bed in the honeymoon suite. You know, for science.”
“I love science,” Blaine said as all of their friends groaned and began pushing them towards the door with comments to have fun.
It might have been embarrassing for them to always find their friends half-dressed, desperate and awkwardly covering boners, but they’d all seen their two friends at their worst and were just happy that they had found each other. Love was love and even if theirs was less censored that usual, they weren’t going to complain.
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