[FIC] Carry Your Shame 3/18

Rating: NC-17

Beta: Laura aka- gottriplets <3

Warnings: First time sex, blow jobs, exhibitionism, sexting, gay sex all around- the usual :) This chapter contains homophobic language and violence

Summary: Kurt doesn’t think the Blaine Anderson will ever notice him, so he’s not in the least bit prepared for what happens when he does. (My take on the whole Popular!Blaine, nerd!Kurt trope)

This was written for this GKM prompt, so go check it out and possibly leave me some love <3

Part 1//Part 2//Part 3//(Blaine interlude)//Part 4//Part 5//Part 6//Part 7//Part 8//Part 9//(Blaine Interlude 2)//Chapter 10//Chapter 11

Carry Your Shame Playlist (organized by chapter)

*Side note- anyone looking to track this, it will always be tagged as “Fic: Carry Your Shame”

****

Kurt hadn’t been impressed to start with. For starters, the place had a gravel parking lot and it was going to take all night for him to get the rocks out of the tiny grooves of his boots. Then there was the shabby exterior that desperately needed a new paint job. Even the grass around the building was a bit overgrown and in need of attention. However, once they stepped inside, Kurt understood the appeal of the place and his faith in Blaine’s taste was restored. 

For starters, it wasn’t overrun with McKinley letterman jackets and preteen girls in short skirts trying to prove they were cool because they could drink coffee. It was quiet and quaint. There were sofas and comfy arm chairs around the cafe filled with people, but despite the crowd everybody seemed to be lost in their own little peaceful world. Nobody was shouting orders from behind the counter, nobody was jabbering away loudly on a cell phone. It was perfect.  

Blaine smiled and waved at the young girl behind the counter who lit up when she saw him. Kurt wondered if she was the real reason Blaine liked coming to this place. She was about their age with long blonde hair and fabulous complexion. It wouldn’t surprise Kurt to find out that Blaine was dating somebody like her. That would be just his luck to—get invited to coffee with a wonderful guy only to spend the non-date watching him ogle his girlfriend. 

“Everything they make here is organic and all of their ingredients, save for the actual coffee beans, come from local farmers. They make the most delicious paninis, too. Are you hungry?” Blaine asked him, walking up to the counter where the young girl greeted Blaine with a shy hello and a blush. 

Okay, not dating, Kurt thought a bit smugly. However, the girl’s crush was painfully obvious. 

“Kurt?” Blaine looked at him amused. 

“Oh, sorry,” Kurt said with a blush. Great, he was probably just as painfully obvious about his crush, too. “I could eat.” 

Blaine pulled a twenty dollar bill out of his wallet and slipped it to the girl. “We’ll be outside, but can you make us two cobb melts? A medium drip and a…” He trailed off and turned to look at Kurt who was digging around in his bag for his wallet. “Stop, silly, it’s on me. What do you want to drink?” 

“You don’t have to do that,” Kurt tried to argue but was cut off with a dismissive wave of Blaine’s hand. 

“It’s nothing. What do you want to drink?” 

“Oh, a grande non-fat mocha?” Kurt asked, repeating his usual coffee order. He didn’t really look at the menu like he wanted. He didn’t want to hold them up any longer than he’d already had. 

“You mean medium?” the girl asked, giving him a look that let Kurt know, that while Blaine was certainly welcome, he was not. 

“Tiffany, just make the coffee,” Blaine said with a bit of a bite. “Tell Angeli I’m here whenever she comes down.” 

Tiffany took the money with a roll of her eyes and went about starting their order. Blaine led Kurt around the counter to a back door. Behind the building, much to Kurt’s surprise, there was an incredible patio. There were more comfy armchairs surrounding personal fire pits. There was a large industrial size grill near a separate bar area that Kurt assumed was open during the summer. Behind the patio was a solid mile of open land. It looked like a patio out of one of the celebrity home spreads Home & Design often did. 

“This place is amazing,” Kurt said, surprised and slightly awed that a town even smaller than Lima could have something so simple yet tasteful and sophisticated. 

“In the summers, they tend to the yard a bit more and have nightly barbecues with sprinklers going for the kids and occasional fireworks. Fall is the best though. Nobody comes out here that often and you can hang out by a warm fire and just be.” 

“Sounds peaceful.” Kurt smiled as he took a seat and Blaine started to fiddle around with the settings on the fireplace until it lit. 

“Perfect,” Blaine said, taking a seat next to Kurt so that they were both looking out into the yard. 

Blaine put his feet up and leaned back in his seat, looking completely comfortable. He obviously didn’t have the same butterflies and nerves as Kurt had. It wasn’t even just that Blaine was attractive, though that was certainly part of it. It was that Kurt hadn’t had a lot of chances to socialize with people his own age. Most of his conversations included snappy remarks back and forth and trying not to cry as he was stuffed into a locker or pushed down the stairs. This was new territory for him and it was awkward. He felt out of place, yet there was also a strange sense of possibility. Like he could finally belong somewhere for the first time in his life. 

“I’m sorry about Tiffany,” Blaine said with an easy laugh. 

It was easy for him to brush off moments like that, Kurt thought. He was perfect. Kurt assumed he’d never been ridiculed a day in his life. 

“I’m pretty sure she thinks we’re dating,” he continued. 

“That’s ridiculous,” Kurt said with a loud laugh. “As if that would ever be a possibility.” 

Blaine’s smile seemed to falter for a minute, but then it was right back where it started so fast that Kurt was sure he’d imagined things. 

“Right,” he said, nodding in agreement before mumbling something to himself. 

“What?” 

“Nothing,” Blaine said, waving him off dismissively. “So tell me about yourself, Kurt.” 

“Not much to tell, really,” he said, not comfortable with the spotlight suddenly on him. The spotlight led to people finding out about things. When people found out about him, they tended to use it against him.

“Somehow I doubt that’s true,” Blaine teased, though it sounded much more friendly than the teasing he was used to. “Where are you from? What brings to you McKinley?”

“My dad just got married,” Kurt said. “We used to live in Fairfield.” 

“I’m sorry? Congratulations? I’m not sure what exactly I’m supposed to say here. Are you happy?” he asked. 

“What? Oh God, yeah, no. Carole’s great and Finn, well he’s Finn I guess but he’s cool,” Kurt explained. 

“Well good. I know some people get upset when their parents remarry.” 

“My mom died when I was eight,” Kurt said, quietly. 

He had gotten over her death, for the most part, but it was still rough to think about. It was hard to remember the day the he waited on the steps at school for three hours and his mother never showed up. The day his dad had to come and get him around dinnertime, tears in his eyes. It was the first time his father had ever cried in front of him.  His mother had been hit by a truck driver on her way to pick him up from school and had died a few hours later in surgery. 

“I’m so sorry,” Blaine said, looking horrified that he’d brought it up. 

“It’s fine. It was a long time ago. I’m happy that my dad finally found somebody. It’s been good for him,” Kurt said, honestly. 

“You don’t sound terribly broken up about having to change schools,” Blaine said as Tiffany brought them out their sandwiches and coffees. 

“Not really,” Kurt said, picking up his panini and taking a bite, hoping to curb this conversation now that their food had arrived. Blaine didn’t seem to be dropping the subject anytime soon, though. 

“Well isn’t it hard to leave your friends?” 

Kurt blushed, wishing Blaine would just stop pushing. He wouldn’t understand and Kurt didn’t want to burden him with all of his troubles. He didn’t want Blaine to start pitying him. Kurt looked up and was about to lie, when he really looked into Blaine’s eyes. He was so sincere and worried. It was like he already knew the answer, but still needed to hear Kurt say it. 

“I guess I didn’t really have any,” he admitted, tearing his eyes away from Blaine’s. The intense look Blaine was giving him was too much for him. “Yeah, so I didn’t really care. Public school in Ohio is pretty much public school in Ohio no matter where it is. Unless my dad suddenly decided to pick up and move us to New York, I’m pretty sure I’d be miserable anywhere.” 

“You don’t have to feel miserable, Kurt,” Blaine said, reaching out to place his hand over Kurt’s on the arm of the chair. “There are people, even in a state as homophobic and cruel as Ohio, that will accept you. Not everyone you meet will be as eager to change you as you think.” 

Kurt looked back up at Blaine and saw the acceptance and understanding that he’d been searching for for so long. It was amazing, even as the most popular kid in school, even as a straight man, Blaine could be so welcoming and eager to let Kurt in. Kurt couldn’t help but think back to Karofsky and how hateful he had been, when he himself felt the same urges Kurt had. If somebody like Karofsky, another gay man, couldn’t accept him, it was that much more powerful to see somebody like Blaine do it without a second’s hesitation. 

“Thanks,” Kurt whispered, before turning back to his food, needing a distraction before he got too emotional. Luckily, Blaine seemed to sense this. 

“So, the paninis are delicious, right?” He said and Kurt laughed grateful for the change in topic. 

“Yeah, they’re pretty special,” Kurt said with a small smile, not sure if he was talking about the sandwiches themselves or Blaine. 

The two chatted comfortably for several hours as the sun set and they were forced to scoot closer to the fire to stay warm in the cool night air. Kurt’s clothes would smell like smoke, but he didn’t care. Talking to Blaine was worth it. The conversation flowed naturally as they jumped from discussions about trashy reality TV shows they both watched, literature, fashion, music, Broadway and even politics. Kurt was impressed with how much Blaine knew about the push for equal rights from Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, Prop 8, and even issues of women’s and immigrant rights. 

“Blaine, Dayong,” A short woman opened the door and began walking their way, speaking in a language Kurt couldn’t understand. Kurt was more surprised to hear Blaine speak it back. For a second, he thought it must be Spanish, but then he realized it couldn’t be and he was completely lost. 

“Kurt.” Blaine turned to him and pulled him up to his feet to meet the woman. “This is my Aunt Angeli, she owns this place.” 

“Oh, wow,” Kurt said, taking her hand and shaking it. “You have a very beautiful place.”

“Thank you,” she said with a heavy accent.

“This is Kurt,” Blaine said, as the two seemed to share a silent conversation. “He’s a friend. He just moved here.” 

“Well, welcome,” she said with a kind smile. “Blaine here doesn’t let me meet any of his friends.” 

“Tita!” Blaine said sharply, gesturing for her to stop before turning back to Kurt. “Aunt Angeli moved here from the Philippines when I was really young. She built this whole place by herself.” 

Blaine was obviously diverting the topic and was embarrassed about something, but Kurt couldn’t possibly imagine what. 

“That’s really commendable,” Kurt said, smiling brightly at her. She was gorgeous and had the same hazel eyes with the occasional flecks of gold in them that were breathtaking to look directly into. “My dad owns his own business. I know how hard it is to do.” 

“Thank you,” she said kindly, before turning back to Blaine. “Your mother wants you home. It’s getting late and she mentioned a math test.”

“Right, we’ll be leaving soon,” Blaine promised. Angeli nodded and stayed right where she was, giving them both an amused smile. 

“Tita!” Blaine said loudly, a deep blush covering his flawless skin. Oh God, he was even sexy when he blushed, Kurt thought, adding that to his memory bank for later. Blaine and his aunt both began talking a mile a minute in Tagalog before she finally gave up and held her arms up in surrender. “It was nice to meet you Kurt. You’re welcome back anytime.” 

“Thank you,” Kurt said, laughing as Blaine tried to shove off a kiss to the cheek, which she was clearly only doing to mess with him. She picked up the remains of their dishes and headed back inside. 

“Family,” Blaine said with a shrug as they both got their things together and Blaine put out the fire. 

“I thought she was adorable. So you’re Filipino,” Kurt said, suddenly his passion about immigrant rights made more sense. As did his tirade on women’s need for equal pay.”

“Part,” Blaine said as they walked around the building and back to Blaine’s car. “My mom is Filipino, my dad grew up right here in Ohio and is happy to tell you he is 100% American, even though nobody is 100% American except for Native Americans, which he is not.” 

Kurt had heard bits and pieces about Blaine’s dad all day long, but hadn’t pushed the matter though he was certainly curious. Blaine seemed to have an issue with him and Kurt didn’t want to bring it up when they just met. He doubted Blaine would want to tell him. Maybe someday, if they continued to hang out, maybe then Blaine would open up to him. 

“What made your mom come to America?” Kurt asked as Blaine headed back on the road towards Lima. 

“Juilliard,” he said with a proud tone. Kurt looked at him surprised and slightly impressed. “She is an amazing piano player. She was going to be a concert pianist.” 

“What happened?” 

“She got pregnant with me and married my dad,” Blaine said with a shrug. “He didn’t think a mother should work and my mom didn’t fight it so… here we are.” 

“So your love of music comes from her?” Kurt asked as Blaine nodded. 

“It’s my dream to go to Juilliard,” Kurt admitted with a reverent sigh. “Or anywhere in New York really.” 

“Me, too,” Blaine said quietly, like he was telling Kurt a secret that nobody else knew about. 

“Columbia?” Kurt asked curiously. “They have a good swim program, right?” 

“No,” Blaine shook his head. “I mean, yeah, they do. But I don’t want to go to Columbia. I just… I’ve never told anyone this, but I really want to go to NYU.” 

“It’s a good school,” Kurt said. 

“The best,” Blaine said. “And if I keep up with my swimming I pretty much have a golden ticket to anywhere in the country. I’ll be able to do whatever I want and nobody can stop me.” 

“You mean your dad?” he asked, wondering if he was finally going to get his answer. 

“I mean anyone,” Blaine says. “The world is my oyster. New York is…” he trailed off, searching for the right word to say. 

“Perfect,” Kurt said with a happy smile, recognizing a kindred spirit in Blaine. 

“Perfect,” Blaine whispered, looking ahead at the road and gripping the steering wheel tight. 

Kurt wasn’t quite sure what was wrong or what could be so bad about Ohio for a guy like Blaine, but it didn’t matter. Finally there was somebody who hated this state as much as he did. Who needed to get out and craved for the bright lights of the city the way that he always had. There was somebody who understood him. 

****

Over the next few weeks, Kurt started growing used to the feeling of his phone going off constantly. Before, his iPhone had mostly served as a means for him to keep up with eBay auctions during the school day. There were occasional phone calls from his dad and Carole, though he was usually home so they didn’t often have reason to call him. His SMS inbox had exactly one conversation—with Finn. All of which contained discussions on what were and were not acceptable grocery items whenever it was either of their turns to do the shopping. 

Now though, Blaine texted Kurt constantly. After their successful coffee date-that-wasn’t-a-date-but-Kurt-wanted-it-to-be-a-date-date, the two had become best friends. There were music recommendations on his way to school, fashion updates whenever somebody showed up to school in something especially tragic, and Blaine even texted Kurt questions about Broadway, old movies, and recaps of Jersey Shore whenever Kurt was studying too much to watch. His phone was constantly going off during class, a problem which had lead to him having detention for the first time in his life. Now Kurt’s learned what his classmates had mastered years ago but he hadn’t had any reason to before—the art of texting inconspicuously during class. 

For the first time since second grade, Kurt had friends. Lauren ate lunch with him and sent vague one-word texts that always turned out to be eerily prophetic, like pizza, science hallway, and stop, the last of which caused him to stop in the hall to read and just barely miss getting barreled down by two hockey kids pummeling each other. 

He wasn’t overwhelmed with friends. Most people wouldn’t talk to him in his classes let alone in the hallways, but it was something. He had two people that seemed to enjoy his company and he wasn’t being bullied. It was more than he could say about any school he’d ever been to. 

In fact, Kurt was so excited to finally have friends it took him several weeks to realize that he never actually saw Blaine during school. It wasn’t strange. Blaine was a sophomore and Kurt a junior, so they weren’t likely to share any of the same classes. They had different lunch periods. Even when they had class in the same hallway, Blaine never seemed to be around or when he was, he was deep in conversation with some of the swim team jocks and occasionally that Latina cheerleader that Kurt was scared of because of the time she screamed in Spanish at the Home Ec teacher during their shared class.

So it wasn’t strange that they never saw each other during school. Kurt knew it didn’t mean anything. If anything, it should have made him more grateful they’d even managed to meet in the first place, considering how opposite their schedules seemed to be. 

Then the paranoid part of his brain started taking over. 

Blaine wanted to hang out with Kurt constantly. They had become almost inseparable, yet the only person that knew Blaine was friends with Kurt was Finn, and that was only because they lived together. Blaine and Kurt met up for coffee in Wapakoneta every Tuesday and Thursday afternoon when the swim team practiced in the morning instead of after school. Blaine picked up Chinese food every Sunday while they watched old movies together and occasionally attempted to get some last minute homework finished. Mondays were reserved for Skyping each other while watching The Voice and Bachelorette on TV so their parents didn’t complain about how much time they spent together. If they went shopping, it was in Westerville on the weekends. If they saw a show, it was in Columbus. They never did anything in public if it meant going out in Lima. 

None of this was Blaine’s fault per se. It wasn’t their fault they lived in culturally bankrupt Lima where the most enriching thing to do was go to Breadsticks and pretend it was a fancy Italian restaurant. Kurt really shouldn’t look too far into this. Blaine couldn’t have meant to hide his friendship with Kurt. 

Then again, Blaine was popular and impossibly straight, would he really tell his friends that he spent most of his time hanging out with the quiet, but fashionably-loud and gay new kid? 

“You’re thinking really loudly,” Blaine said, sitting his coffee down to give Kurt an earnest smile. 

Kurt blushed; he hadn’t meant to get so caught up in his delusions. 

“Sorry,” he apologized. “Just thinking about my Glee Club audition tomorrow.” 

“So asshole-Finn finally decided to let you try out?” Blaine teased, but there was an edge there. 

Blaine had been pushing him to try out for the club, but Finn had told him to wait until after Sectionals. Kurt understood—he shouldn’t mess with the group dynamics right before a big competition. Blaine said it was bullshit. Apparently, though Blaine was in swim team and had nothing to do with Glee, even he knew that New Directions was famous for throwing together performances at the last minute. Blaine thought Finn was jealous that Kurt could sing better than him. Kurt wasn’t sure why Blaine and Finn didn’t get along with each other, but there was clearly a story there that neither of them would tell him. 

“Well, they won their Sectionals on Saturday,” Kurt said. “It was actually a really great performance. You should have come with me. The choir they beat was really good. They came from Dalton.”

“I told you I couldn’t,” Blaine sighed. “Swim practice six am until eleven. I was too tired.” 

“Well you won’t be able to use that excuse for Regionals.”

“I wouldn’t miss you being their shining star,” Blaine said with an easy smile. “Did you pick an audition song yet? Last we talked, you had narrowed the choices down to a very short list of twenty options,” he teased. 

“Hey, it’s a big deal,” Kurt said. “I’ve never sang in public before.” 

“It’s Glee Club,” Blaine laughed. “Not that you’re not amazing, but they take everyone. I wouldn’t be that worried.” 

“Sorry not everyone can be a Junior Olympian,” Kurt said with a roll of his eyes. 

“You’ll have to text me how it goes.” 

Kurt felt the disappointment settle in his stomach. He’d expected Blaine to come and watch his audition. He’d been the one to push him into joining. He was constantly telling him that he was a star and needed to get out of his shell more. That Glee Club, while not the coolest thing in the world, would allow him to get some practice in for Broadway. The thought of performing for his step-brother and a bunch of strangers without his biggest cheerleader there for moral support terrified him. 

“So what are you doing tomorrow then?” Kurt asked, trying to sound casual. 

“After practice, I’m going to drive out to Athens with a few of the guys,” he explained like it was no big deal. Like he did that all of the time. For all Kurt knew, he did. He probably drove up to Ohio University to hang out with college kids at one of the top party schools in the country. Blaine didn’t talk a lot about what he did with his other friends. In fact, Blaine never talked about his other friends at all. 

“So you’re going to be gone all weekend then?” 

Don’t sound so desperate, he reminded himself. Blaine was allowed to have other friends. He was allowed to spend his weekend doing more than watch Tabitha’s Salon Takeover over baked goods. 

“Guess it depends how Friday night goes,” he said, sounding confident and a bit cocky and so incredibly sexy that it wasn’t fair. What high school sophomore talked about going to college to party with the thought that he could honestly come home with somebody. Not that Blaine wasn’t gorgeous enough to get any girl, any age, but still… It wasn’t fair. Why did Kurt have to fall for the straight and desperately unattainable ones? 

“Sounds so incredibly tempting,” Kurt said with a little bit too much bite behind it. 

Blaine gave him an odd look, one that he’d been giving him for awhile but Kurt still didn’t understand what it meant. He had a sad look behind his eyes, like Kurt was missing something incredibly important that Blaine had been trying to convey. Kurt just didn’t get it and Blaine never explained it whenever he asked, so Kurt stopped trying. He just started assuming that Blaine felt sorry for him, that Kurt should be pitied because he didn’t live the fabulous life filled with money, parties, and sex with beautiful, slutty woman. 

Kurt was jealous, just not of the lifestyle. He didn’t want to be going out to parties and getting drunk. He didn’t even need to be popular, not really. He just wanted to be loved. He wanted Blaine to want him in the same way he was going to want all those college girls he would meet this weekend. He was jealous because he wanted Blaine

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